Dogs are better than children, and there’s nothing you can say to change my mind.
If you’ve ever been awoken by a shrieking infant only to change its diaper, feed it, burp it, and it still won’t shut up, you know where I’m at.
Babies are tiny overlords who require us to be at their constant beck and call. And in return, that baby may one day sprout a teenager who thinks you’re the worst human being to walk the planet and sees annoying the life out of you as their special little game.
On the other hand, dogs adore their owners from day one and will never change as long as they are well cared for.
Why do I like dogs more than babies? It should be pretty obvious, but if you need further convincing, here are 11 reasons why I’d rather have a dog than a baby.
Dogs are Low Maintenance
If you own a dog, your biggest responsibility is probably to make sure it has fresh food and water daily. If you have a baby, you most likely have an in-depth schedule drawn up somewhere with feeding time, burping time, nap time, tummy time, bath time, and playtime set out in gaudy multicolored squares of paper.
Do you know what all those little squares have in common? They suck every last second out of your day until you come crashing down at seven in the evening, hoping you get a solid three hours of sleep in before the tyrant summons you once again.
Compared to babies, dogs are just so much easier to care for. They keep themselves busy for hours playing with their toys, napping on their own, or running around the house. You have to bathe them about once a week, and if you’re not in the mood, you can even pay someone else to do it for you.
If you did that with a baby, you’d probably end up in jail.
If you’re wondering why I prefer dogs over babies, this is probably the most significant reason I could come up with. Dachshunds, chihuahuas, whippets, and terriers are the most low maintenance dogs of all and require little more attention than a walk every now and then and ample cuddling.
Dogs Don’t Keep You Up At Night
Okay, in the puppy stages, you might have to get up once or twice to let them out to do their business outside, but do you know how long this lasts on average? Around four months.
By the time a puppy is ready to be adopted, it already knows how to feed and drink by itself. It takes about four months to potty train a puppy, which means by month four the puppy is eating on its own, drinking by on its own, and clever enough to wee outside or in a designated area. You trade a few months of slight inconveniences for a lifetime of cuteness and companionship.
Do you know how long it takes a baby to do those same three tasks? Up to 3 years. Yes, you read that right. That’s three years of diapers and feeding. Three years of not having one whole night of sleep. Three years of early mornings and late nights trying to bring some semblance of peace back into your life.
I love my sleep and my independence equally, so I can promise you a couple of months of getting up once or twice in a night will by far beat out anything even the most well-behaved baby can offer.
Dogs Don’t Cry or Throw Tantrums
We’ve all borne witness to it. The sudden, high-pitched screams, the flailing of limbs, the embarrassed look on the parent’s face as their child goes into a complete meltdown because they can’t eat a raw potato.
Have you ever seen similar behavior from a dog? I don’t think so.
The closest thing you’ll ever find to a tantrum-throwing dog is a husky, and even when they’re loud and back chatting, they’re really cute.
You can’t reason with a screaming baby or toddler, but even the most upset dog can be calmed by a treat or a warm hug. So save yourself the embarrassment, and get a dog instead of a human ball of rage.
Dogs can Feed Themselves
I’ve heard stories of my own reluctance to eat when I was a baby. Stories that involved me using my food as ammunition for target practice or finishing one bottle at night just to immediately start crying for another and keeping my poor father sleepless for weeks on end.
Looking back, I was a real pain in the ass.
I’ve raised my fair share of dogs over the years, and not once have I had to feed any of them. Sure, there was that one time I bottle-fed a litter of premature Yorkshire Terrier pups, but that was just because there were six of them and their mother only had three milk-producing teats.
Every other time, dogs of all ages have been perfectly able to feed themselves. Babies are fussy and think of meals more as their opportunity to frustrate their parents than anything else. It’s no wonder dogs are so much more pleasant to care for.
Dogs are Cheaper
What does it cost to raise one child from infancy to adulthood in the US? A cool $233,000 excluding college fees. In the first 18 years of a child’s life, you’ll have to pay for a bigger house, extra food, school fees, clothes, toys, electronics, allowances, sports clubs, and the list goes on.
In comparison, your dog who is happy to play with the same blue ball for as long as he hasn’t chewed through it will cost you around $1,500 a year. If your dog lives to be 18 years old, that equates to $27,000. You could easily raise 9 dogs for that amount of money.
Now imagine the joy 9 dogs bring, and compare that to one child who may not even want to visit you once they leave for college. Dogs seem like a much better option, don’t they?
In the Eyes of a Dog, You Can Do No Wrong
Ah yes, kids love their parents for as long as they believe they may need them. That’s why teenagers gradually turn into jackasses as they gain their independence and realize they don’t need anyone to drive them around, help them cross the road, or make sure they don’t get kidnapped in the mall anymore.
In comparison, dogs remain loving and loyal for life. The same puppy-like adoration they showed you at three months old, they will maintain until the day they die.
Dogs Can Be Left at Home Alone
Remember that color-coded schedule we were talking about earlier? The one that overrules every decision you, as an adult, may wish to make?
Yeah, the baby who provided the need for that schedule also ensured you will never have another carefree evening or holiday until they are grown.
Planning a spontaneous night out? Sorry. You’ll have to find a babysitter first.
Want to go away for the weekend? Oops. You’ll have to check if your parents want to look after the baby.
Need to run to the supermarket to grab some supplies? Nope. You have to pack the car chair, the pram, the diaper bag, and the dummy and hope the baby will behave for what could have been a 15-minute errand. It now turns into an hour-long trudge as you struggle to focus while the child cries because you woke them from their mid-afternoon nap.
Now, if you had a dog instead of a baby, you could easily enjoy the adventure and spontaneity of adulthood as long as you know your pup has enough food, water, and access to somewhere to relieve itself.
Dogs allow you to live your life as you always have, with the added love and affection all canine companions provide.
Puppies are Cute at Any Age, Newborn Babies are Wrinkly Danny Devito Impersonators
It provides me endless amusement when the family members of newborn parents state, with complete conviction, that the baby looks just like their mom or dad. I’m sure they either subconsciously mean it as an insult or, they are incredibly far-sighted.
Except for some angelic infants born to supermodel parents, most babies are a little ugly when they first make their way into the world. One survey found most people don’t think babies are at all cute until they’re at least six months old.
In comparison, puppies are cute at any age. From the moment they are born, their fluffy bodies, tiny paws, and wiggling noses have us all saying, “Aw!”
My advice? Don’t get drawn in by those who infected with baby fever. Dogs are better than babies, and they’re way cuter too.
The World is Overpopulated
‘Adopt, don’t shop,’ is something you hear a lot when looking for a new dog, and there’s a lot of weight behind that statement as the world is currently experiencing overpopulation of both humans and dogs.
Dogs are being euthanized because they can’t find homes, yet people are still buying from breeders and leaving their dogs unsterilized instead of adopting sterilized dogs from shelters and pounds.
Now there may not be much that we can do to stop overpopulation by humans, but we sure can do a lot to prevent the overpopulation of dogs. Of course, you can adopt a baby, but this option is only available to a select group of families in any country.
The requirements are endless, and it sometimes takes years to successfully adopt a child. All of this is for a good reason and ensures the kid’s safety, but it is also one of the main reasons why so many children live in orphanages and group homes.
Dogs are Smarter Than Babies
Okay, do I even need to explain this one? Babies need help just to keep their heads up. Dogs can be taught tricks from as young as six weeks old. Sure, your child will one day surpass your dog’s intelligence, but for at least the first two to three years of the kid’s life, they will be outsmarted by a dog nine times out of ten.
Most dogs are able to learn up to 165 words, while babies understand absolutely nothing we tell them and think single-syllable sounds constitute a stimulating conversation.
Dogs are intuitive creatures that can sense when their humans are happy, sick, or sad. They can understand facial expressions, and even understand body language cues. Not only can babies not do that, but if they could I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have cared.
Dogs Are Always Happy to See You
The final, and most important reason why dogs are better than babies, is because dogs are always happy to see you. I have a Yorkie that barks and gets zoomies whenever a family member comes home. Even if I’ve only been away for fifteen minutes, he reacts as though it has been a year.
No matter how cynical and sour you may be, you must admit the happiness and excitement a dog conveys when he sees his owner is infectious.
The reason for this behavior makes me like dogs even more. Research has proven dogs get excited when they see their owners because they count them as part of their pack. They nearly worship their owners, and your dog may have been thinking of seeing you again hundreds of times while you were out.
Babies see you as more of a necessity to their survival, needing you to feed them and clothe them and keep them comfortable. Dogs find their security, friendship, and familial bonds in their owners, and if that’s not enough to make you believe they are a million times better than babies, I don’t know what will.